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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.