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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.