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Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Theirye’re, problem solved.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.