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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.