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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The only dates I get are updates.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.