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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?