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I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...