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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer