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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I dream about naps.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.