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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.