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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.