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I only accept apologies in cash.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.