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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.