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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.