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So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it`s okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it`s rude??
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent