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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.