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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.