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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.