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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.