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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.