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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside