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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
My favorite beer is an open one.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.