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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."