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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.