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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.