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Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.