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Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!!!!