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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.