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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.