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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars