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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)