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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Why do blurry people always ask me if Iām drunk?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari