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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.