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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
For Christmas I just want summer...
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.