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Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
A man is as faithful as his options
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you