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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
You had me at 0 mutual friends