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Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.