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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.