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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.