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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.