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If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.