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Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!