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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"