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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
My mom says I`m special.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.