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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel