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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.