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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden