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I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.