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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.