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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!