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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
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If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?