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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)