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I wish my mind had a delete button.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
This is a lousy dating site.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.