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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.