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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective