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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
A wise man, will often say nothing
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.