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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.