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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.