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Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.