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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.