Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Pro tip for picking up girls ā keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text