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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.