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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I always advise people never to give advice.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.