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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.