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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
I know u r but what am I ?
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.