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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
My body needs a refresh button.