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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.