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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
More people should be at a loss for words.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...