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I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.