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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches