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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.