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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.