Daily Silly Status

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.

I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...

I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).

Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period

I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.

If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D

Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"

Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-