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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.