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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.