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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.