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New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.